Welcome back, Wanderers.

This time…we will be exploring Grief. I’d like to start with an apology – I apologize for being absent for so long, it’s now been 14 months since my last post – time has not been of the essence, clearly. For this, I’ve come to write to you all today.

As I’m sure we all know, life gets busy, and…people come and go. The primary catalyst for this post, for me, is the loss of my closest friend four nights ago to a fatal and unfortunate motorcycle accident – may he rest in peace. This friend was like an older brother for me – and in remembrance of him, I wanted to create this post to offer to all, that – when grief hits, you’re not alone; Grief may be Mortal: Memory is not.

So let’s explore this a bit.

What is Grief?

As defined by the Oxford Dictionary: “intense, deep sorrow or sadness, particularly caused by someone’s death. It is commonly used as an uncountable noun, often encompassing feelings of heartbreak, distress, or anguish resulting from loss.”

As defined by the American Psychological Association (APA): “the natural, intense emotional and physical reaction to a significant loss, most commonly the death of a loved one, but also including divorce, job loss, or major life changes. It is a personal experience involving sadness, anxiety, and yearning, often manifesting as physical distress, exhaustion, or numbness.”

As we can see, there are similarities between each definition, though they are a bit different. The Oxford Dictionary mentions: “intense, deep sorrow or sadness…encompassing feelings of heartbreak, distress or anguish…” whereas APA defines it as being “natural, intense, emotional and physical reaction to a significant loss…often manifesting as physical distress, exhaustion, [and]/or numbness.”

There are minor differences between these two definitions – and the APA definition is what really piqued my interest, particularly when it stated manifesting as physical distress, exhaustion or numbness.

This may lead us into asking: why such a particular difference? Or, perhaps: why does APA state that it [only] manifests as physical distress, exhaustion or numbness?

I don’t have a clear answer for these two questions, specifically, at this time, but it’s something I encourage you to think about.

For me, I felt physically ill when I heard the news – for me, it manifested (there’s that word again) as a tightening in my chest, I felt like my heart just turned to concrete when I heard the news – like making eye contact with Medusa – my heart felt like it literally turned to stone for a bit. I physically felt distress. And for me…the tears didn’t come until the nighttime of the news.

Throughout the day (as I had found out early in the morning), I had just felt rigid. Time didn’t feel real. I disassociated. I felt like a robot all day. I didn’t feel numb – I felt hardened like concrete. I was exhausted, but I couldn’t fall asleep. I wanted to cry, but my eyes just burned, the tears didn’t immediately fall…until they did.

As a result, I did become exhausted. I cried for a bit, but then drifted into sleep. For that first 24 hours, I ended up sleeping like 14, almost 15 hours of it, it was a Friday when I found out, so I still had schoolwork and class to attend. That summarizes my experience.

In the comments below, feel free to share your own experience: How did you feel for the first 24 hours of losing a loved one – whether family, friend or other, how did it impact you, physiologically?

Now let’s talk more about what Grief is or what it entails.

The Grief Stages (as according to the Kübler-Ross Model)

• Denial: A state of shock and disbelief where the mind tries to buffer the immediate blow.
• Anger: Feelings of frustration, resentment, or blame directed at yourself, others, or the situation.
• Bargaining: An attempt to negotiate or make “deals” to postpone the inevitable or regain control.
• Depression: Intense sadness, withdrawal, and the heavy realization of the extent of the loss.
• Acceptance: Reaching a state of relative peace and understanding how to move forward with the new reality.

When one goes through a heavy loss, typically, they roughly follow this framework of grief – myself included. One thing I’d like to mention, is, I don’t honestly know that much about the Kübler-Ross Model, aside from how’s it’s commonly described – but my personal understanding is that grief isn’t linear, grief isn’t sequential – one may transition through each of those stage elements at different times, in different ways. Below is how I’d describe how I have experienced my own loss so far:

• Shock/Early Integration
• Active processing
• Guilt/Bargaining elements
• Emerging Acceptance

I experienced all of that within the first 24 hours of the news. There was no linear-defined model to how it was processed with me, as I assess is the case for many others, but that model does offer a solid perspective on what Grief entails on the surface.

In my experience thus far, I’ve been actively oscillating between feeling the loss – psychologically, emotionally, and, ultimately physiologically – while trying to understand and process it at the same time. The model above is a solid framework, in my opinion, but by comparing it to what we know about being human, and what this all can bring into perspective for us, I’d like us to consider these three things, and maybe you all can relate to them as well:

• Grief is cyclical – oscillating between stages
• We don’t simply just feel the loss, we try to understand it.
• We are human, humans are social creatures – support groups are phenomenally helpful.

Grief and Memory

When one loses a significant person in their life, the grief hits like a train. We all can share this perspective, I imagine. Now…we may lose this person, but their memory and memories created with them remain forever with us.

When we think about Memory in the context of grief, I imagine a few ideas may come to mind:

• What was my last memory with this person?
• Were all of our memories positive, negative, or a bit of both?
• What was the last thing they may have been thinking about when they passed – What could they remember?

For some, these ideas may come easy – for others, maybe not so much. And then, unfortunately, there are those times when freak accidents take place, and there may not have been any “memory-processing” taking place at the time of the accident/the person’s untimely passing. Neuroscience studies have shown that…when processing grief, a common phenomena takes place. Some call it “Brain Fog” others call it “Grief Brain”.

Essentially, if you’re struggling with memory recall during times of grief, it is normal, it is okay. I’ll attach an article here that gets into some of the more scientific and biological information about Grief and what takes place in the brain, posted 10/06/2025.

So how can we honor memory, in time of Grief?

As previously mentioned, memory remains. And when I mention memory, I am referring to the memory of the person, and the memories that were developed with the person – whether good, bad, or ugly.

Everybody has their own rituals, ceremonies, praxis and whatever else they may do when honoring the memory of a passed person in their life. For me, I like to write. I also enjoy visiting their grave-site or, in this case, for my friend I’ll have to settle for maybe stopping by the crash site, saying a few words, and moving on, as he will be buried in his home country – until I can go visit him there at rest with his family.

When I had begun processing my friend’s passing, for me, to honor his memory didn’t come easy. The very first memory was a good one, the second one was a fun one, and third memory was of a fight we had. That is okay, that is normal – let whatever comes just flow. When honoring memory, if you need, a few things that can help are as follows:

• Get some fresh air, go for a walk
• Rhythmic grounding: slow, controlled breathing, sitting outside at night
• Give yourself a quiet, low-stimulus space
• Let your mind naturally revisit memories
• If you need to cry, stay with that sensation, but don’t force it – that usually ends up backfiring (I’ve heard)
• For sleep: reduce lighting, let partial rest come if need be

Many people cope with grief in different ways, some methods work better than others. Within all that you may find, or already practice – at face-value, you are honoring the passed one’s memory, simply by being present in the moment. Consciously choosing to let it flow, consciously processing the shock, consciously experiencing physiologically what grieving the loss entails; That, inofitself, honors the memory while validating your bereavement. Take that time, when you can, and just let it go, that’s the best advice I can offer for it. It will be hard, I know just as well as I’m sure you do, that it hurts. It’s normal, and it will be hard.

I am grieving, and perhaps you are too. I hope this post offers at least just a little bit of help when it comes to Grief and Memory, and feel free to share your own story in the comments below.

Even in the privacy of our own loss, we can choose to stand together. May you find solace in this connection, and pride in the resilience that carries us through.

Until next time,

• E.K.

The Wandering Wolf